So, as you all know, I have anxiety. Wheeee! It comes and goes, but mostly sticks around. It is annoying, and it disrupts my life. I've been trying to figure out some way to deal with it for years, and I may have possibly found one...
Day before yesterday I was quite stressed, and late in the day (around 4pm) I decided to take 0.5mg of Klonopin. I have 1mg pills that I split in half, and I'm to take them when I'm really stressed. I figured that even if it took 1-2 hours to kick in, I'd at least have the benefit of being able to sleep and not worry all night.
That was all well and good. So the next day I'm still feeling all right, not really any anxiety, and a stressful situation came up around 11am. I told Patrick about my issue, and he said he hoped I
wasn't buried under waves of shame, and I was like hey wait, I'm
actually NOT! What is going on here?
I was... fine with it.
What? Wait, shouldn't I be wallowing in shame and wanting to stab myself? It just wasn't there. I felt a little badly about it, of course, but then I was like well, it's not the end of the world. We can just take care of it later. There's nothing I can do about it now.
THIS IS NOT LIKE ME AT ALL. In case you didn't already know that.
Normally I would be mentally self-flagellating and having to suppress huge surges of self-harmy feelings. There would also be prolonged dwelling. I'm a great one for dwelling on things. But this time I was just kinda shruggy and apologetic. Total 180. It's like Fairyland. You can make mistakes! And get over them! And not want to stab yourself! WHAT IS THIS MAGICAL PLACE?
I had a doctor appointment later yesterday, and I regaled him with this tale of my weird success. Then I told him that I wanted to take him up on the idea we'd discussed previously about me taking 0.5mg Klonopin twice per day and maintaining a level of it in my system instead of just taking it when I think I'm about to have a panic attack. He was very encouraged by my experience and we agreed to try this. Then we got to talking about it a bit more and decided to start with 0.5mg once per day, instead of twice, since it seemed to last into the next day. That's fine with me.
I'm doing that now, and so far it's like my adrenal glands have gone on vacation and not taken me with them. That's basically it, though. I have always told him that Klonopin doesn't so much make me feel good as it makes me feel not horrible. There is a difference. And it's still that way. I feel content, and pleasant, and kinda okay with everything. It doesn't dull my brain or reflexes, it doesn't make me fat, and there is definitely no drooling.
Let's hope it continues!