Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Please don't worry

I'm all right. I was very upset and came home from work after crying a bunch. I was just unprepared to be slapped in the face with the truth behind my actions. I'd never once made the manipulative borderline connection between my awful down phases and self-harm. But it's true. And that makes me awful. "Love me or I'll hurt myself." That was NOT what I was aware of.

I didn't know.

So now I wonder what to do. If I continue as I am, mostly fine but with occasional bad episodes, the bad episodes now will be...worse? If I can't do anything about the pain (because I'd be a manipulative asshole), then what? I just have to clench my teeth and wait for it to pass? 

What happens if I don't feel like I have an outlet for my pain? That I can't do anything at all to ameliorate it? I hate the actions of people who are (apparently) like me. Those who manipulate others by their emotional reactions. I didn't know I was doing it. 

But what happens now that I know? I will try never to do that again, but what does that mean? I can't even talk about it or it will be manipulative in some way. Like this blog post. I guess this one is asking for advice. What happens? What should I do? Keep it all to myself and try to let nothing out? 

I thought of asking my psych on Friday to give me something that would allow my brain to keep functioning as far as normal conversation and work duties went, but would basically obliterate my personality, thus rendering these episodes meaningless to me. If I don't notice them, I won't say anything or do anything about them. The only thing I can think of that will do that reliably is lithium. It will give me that greyness and unshakeable poise that will keep me from upsetting others with my actions that I did not realize until now were extremely selfish and manipulative.

So I am sorry, everyone, for all the self-harm and emotionally charged outbursts in the past. It was not my intent to manipulate anyone, least of all those I care about. 

I'm NOT going to kill myself. NOT. Neither am I going to engage in further self-harm. (This latest episode resulted in some.) I am going to try to fix it so that no one ever has to deal with it again, including me. It will probably get rid of the artistic side as well, but that's okay. It's a small price to pay for ridding myself of hateful behavior, despite being unconscious of it. 

Again: I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I never meant to manipulate anyone. I just thought I was reacting to emotional pain. I hope you all are okay and can forgive me.

Not goodbye

Not goodbye. Just didn't know.

Oh God

I am a borderline.....I really am. I didn't know. The "love me or I'll hurt myself thing"......I didn't know. I thought I was just letting pain out. I didn't know. I knew it was a reaction, but I never meant it to be a tantrum or manipulation. What if I do that and then keep it completely secret so no one ever knows? Is that less bad? I have to or I'll die. What do I do? I DID NOT KNOW. I truly didn't. I had never realized it. Not consciously. I AM a horrible person by nature. I was born this way. With this horrible mis-wiring.

.....I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

One more day...

Then I can relax for a good four days! Which is just as well as I think I have another cold coming on... The sniffling at work (not just me) is increasing, as is sinus pain in my face and a sore throat. 


...that doesn't really sound very legit.

Well, whatever. I got a flu shot, but when I tried to get a pneumonia shot I was informed that my insurance would only pay for it if I was 65 years or older. Otherwise it was going to be $200ish. 

NO. That is RIGHT OUT.

So no pneumonia shot for me. Oh well. Smallpox vaccine booster in...two years, wheee! hah Every ten years. Goody. That one is especially gross, as you get jabbed with a bunch of tiny needles in a circle, which then appears to do nothing until it suddenly forms a wound exuding yellowish crap. It eventually scabs over and then heals, but it's pretty nasty until then.

Makes regular shots sound way better, doesn't it? :p

One more day.....

Sunday, November 22, 2015

My soldier is coming home!

I've been writing to the soldier I adopted, Karrie Ramos, since shortly after Memorial Day when she was assigned to me. I have tried to do it weekly, and for the most part I've succeeded. A few weeks were missed, such as when we were robbed, but otherwise I've done pretty well.

I've just heard that she will be coming home and seeing her daughter for Thanksgiving! Her deployment is done, and she said she very much appreciated all the letters and emails. I tried to make them entertaining, and she said she'd laugh so hard in her bunk at times that people stared. Victory is mine!

I figure the least I can do is keep a soldier company while they defend our country. 

Anyway, the email I got about it inquired whether I wanted to adopt another soldier, and I definitely will, but I think I'll take a short break. With the holidays and our employment situation still in limbo, I might not remember to keep on my weekly letter schedule, and I wouldn't want to miss it. 

I only would if maybe it would be good to get some letters going before the holidays so that said new soldier would get them before Christmas, etc. Opinions? I'm unsure.

Adopting a soldier is awesome, and everyone should do it! Just google adopt a soldier and you'll find the site. You can also get boxes for free to send stuff to them. Info for that is on the site. 

Maybe I will start again now... I'd want a friendly letter on Christmas/New Year's if I were deployed and away from family and friends. Hmm.

Friday, November 20, 2015

I love art in general.

As I'm sure you know.

Chiara has been doing something that's not art for a while, so I thought I'd show you something else I really like (and which is hanging on my wall), The Three Fates by Jasmine Becket-Griffith:

Obviously the watermark doesn't show up on the purchased print. I love how she's drawn the three Fates here. I learned more about them while reading Kendare Blake's latest series, The Goddess War. (Love that, by the way.) They're known as the Moirae, and each one has a job (I already knew this part): the first on the left is Clotho, the blonde maiden with her angel wings, and her job is to gather the stuff of life from Chaos, then spin it into threads that can be woven into the fabric of existence by Lachesis, the brunette mother. She's in the middle, with her butterfly wings. She creates the twists and turns and knots and bumps and straight lines that make up all creation. Lastly we have the Moira of death, known as Atropos and the crone. Her scissors cut the threads of life, and end one's place in the giant tapestry. Her dark hair has white streaks to indicate age, and her wings, of course, are those of a bat, a nighttime creature.

In mythology they are separate entities, yet are bound together. In some descriptions they share a single body, which changes its appearance as each required personality is brought to the fore. In others, they're completely separate yet always remain in close proximity.

I really like how Jasmine brought the Fates to life in her art. The symbolism is really apt, and it's an excellent use of color. I enjoy quite a lot of her pieces, and you can find them here.

The background is a nice place to start: on the left it's a spiral galaxy shining light onto both Clotho and Lachesis. On the right, it's more like deep space with only a few sparse stars and distant nebulae, reflecting a deep red light onto Lachesis' other half and Atropos. Dawn slowly turning into sunset and ultimately night.

After that, we have the obvious, which are the wings each Moira is wearing: angels for birth, butterflies for summer days, and bat wings for night. All their stockings are identical, signaling their oneness.

The colors of their dresses are interesting as well: a beautiful new red with silver stars for Clotho, green with golden leaves for Lachesis, and a violet dress with deep blue spiderwebs for Atropos. Cobwebs are found all over crypts and whatnot, so I suppose they're apt.

Even the makeup is intentional, as are their expressions: very little eyeliner, blue eyes, and a sort of innocent, vulnerable expression on Clotho's face, followed by more eyeliner, green eyes, and a confident, knowledgeable look for Lachesis, adding in a tiny bit of apparent joie de vivre as she lives in the warm days of life's summer. Lastly we have Atropos, golden eyed, with the darkest makeup of all, including her lipstick, and she has the determined look of one who has seen it all and knows she must steel herself to continue the tapestry's existence despite the sadness of ending threads at their appropriate time.

Ahhh, art. Thanks for continuing to be awesome.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I sold more art

I get $1.30 in royalties this time. Yay! It was the Kodak-looking photo of a water stain that looked exactly like a cat: http://www.zazzle.com/macavitys_not_there_photo_print-190243693336828435

Hopefully I'll sell more. We shall see.

Monday, November 16, 2015

I met The Bloggess on my birthday!

She (Jenny Lawson) was in town on November 13 to do a book reading and signing. Tons of people turned out, and I ended up being one of the few to ask a question (limit on questions as there were SO MANY BOOKS that needed signing and people who needed meeting). She collects all sorts of strange stuff, so I inquired whether Victor (her husband) collected any weird crap of his own. Indeed he does.

I was still feeling pretty poorly with my cold and all, but I figured it was worth dressing up for, so I did the whole smoky eye and dark lip thing, adding my lovely black wig with skull clips. (If anyone was going to appreciate skulls in one's hair, it would be someone with a taxidermist for a father.)

It was ages until we got around to the end of the signing line, so Patrick and I just hung out by a huge chessboard laid out on a rug. I didn't feel sufficiently confident to play a game, but I liked listening to him explain it to me.

When I finally got around to meeting her, it was just lovely. She told me I looked amazing, which was very sweet (internally I was like THE WIG AND CONTACTS WERE TOTALLY WORTH IT), and then we chatted a little. I gave her that weird fake-rodent-on-a-heart thing that came with my Hurt Heart Corset, and she signed my copy of her book and also my art book. It was just nice to meet her in person and give her a hug.

The picture girl was really good. Everyone just handed their phone to her and she took pictures of them with Jenny. I figured it was just one picture at the end, y'know, where you two smile together and try to not look exhausted. As it turns out, though, I got a whole ton of pictures! That was so awesome to discover. I also got some video! What's rather amusing is that she started recording, then accidentally hit stop, and immediately hit record again. There's about a 0.5-1 second gap in the videos, so if I edit them together it'll look like I suddenly lunge at her for a hug. Fantastic. Anyway, it was pretty sweet to discover that I had video.

Some pictures:

The chessboard as seen from the floor. No one even noticed when I laid down on the floor to get this shot.
She is kindly signing my art book. I figured it wouldn't hurt to throw some extra inspiration into it.
What WOULD Jesus craft? I do not know.
In which I appear very concerned.
Supposedly the thing is meant to be a corset decoration. Maybe. Possibly. We're not really sure.
Giant chessboard with benches on either side for players and spectators.
So glad I turned the flash off on my phone before handing it to the photo girl. Flash = bad in these situations. Yay for already having learned from terrible pictures.

Anyway, it was really cool and totally worth the wait. I'm glad my cold held off. I'm now recovering from it, and I'm hoping it will be completely gone in a couple more days.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Bon anniversaire à moi!

And this:

Happy Friday the 13th, y'all.