Tuesday, January 27, 2015


I am stunned. And thrilled. And stunned some more.

I cannot tell you the huge burst of adrenaline that shot through my system when I saw the comment she left on my blog. I thought she was dead. For almost an entire year. I endlessly wondered what happened, and called people, left messages anywhere I thought someone might stumble across them, searched obituaries...


I can't tell you how amazingly happy and grateful and over the damn moon I am.


I feel like I got hit with a 2x4. I am stunned. I realize I keep saying that. But I feel like someone whacked my brain with a baseball bat or something.

I want to go around screaming that she is alive, but that would probably upset people and get me sent home. Or to the loony bin. Either way, I should probably try to process this quietly.

And dance in my head.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Feeling inadequate

I'm not fishing for compliments, so please no one bother with that. I'm just airing out my bleah mood of the past week or so.

I feel like there really isn't much point in me recording music anymore. There are plenty of other people who can sing just as well or better than I, so why bother? I mean, I never planned on it going anywhere anyway, but it just seems like a waste of effort.

Same thing about drawing. Why? 

Writing blog entries (like this one). Other than complaining about stuff to an ethereal audience who may or may not be paying attention, why do I write this bilge? I don't have much of an answer for that, either.

I'm never going to be a real ballerina, or a professional instrumentalist of any flavor. The pointlessness of it all doesn't seem to stop me from loving ballet or practicing cello, though, so I guess that's good. I'm sure someone will tell me that the point is doing something you enjoy and learning along the way. That person is probably right. But I'm a very goal-oriented individual, and I like having some sort of You Win! thing at the end.

There's another YEAR until the next Sherlock season. Sigh. This book I'm looking forward to by Kendare Blake isn't coming out until the end of this year. Halestorm's third album isn't coming out until April, with the exception of their single Apocalyptic (which is, incidentally, quite good).

Gurgles was covered in poop again this morning (last night was full of fun, too). So we got to hack off chunks of poopy fur while he loudly announced his displeasure. I accidentally poked him with the scissors (NOT CUT, JUST POKED), and he freaked out and turned into a Cat-astrophe, managing to escape Patrick's grasp and cut him on the face (mercifully not a big one, but still). Ugh. Tonight we will probably try to cut more fur off so that this doesn't happen anymore. He'd throw up occasionally on the other food we fed them, and we've switched to this other stuff, but he was fine for two weeks and now all of a sudden he gets diarrhea? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

I suppose I'm just feeling rather meh about everything right now. Meh about how I look, meh about how I feel, meh about waiting on crap and doing things that are ultimately pointless unless you're all About The Journey and such.

Also it's nearly 60F in January. What? I'm not complaining, as I hate snow, but what? *shrug*

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Remember this song?

Chris DeBurgh - Lady in Red

This song always makes me a bit sad. It played during various dances growing up, and no one ever danced with me. It must have been a nice thing, having friends.

What to do when you're having a restless night?

Stretch and practice some cello! And also play with photography.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Ballet a commencé!

And I am so very pleased.

The first class of this year's Winter Quarter began yesterday evening, to my great enjoyment. It's wonderful being back in ballet again. I have really missed it. I am taking two classes per week, and the second one is on Thursday, so I've that to look forward to. I'd contemplated taking three classes, but I'd like to have the third session available in case I need to make up a class. Further, I learned last night from one of the ladies in charge that everyone is entitled to one freebie class. I considered trying out the ballet exercise class tonight, but then decided that it would serve me better to reserve the free class until I ran up against something in my normal classes that I had trouble getting my brain around, so that I'd have three hours that week to absorb it instead of two.

It was strange to me, coming back to the same room but being the only student there who knew what was going on from the get-go. When I took the Summer Quarter class, a few girls in there had taken some ballet before, and we even had a couple who had danced en pointe, but were taking that class to brush up before going back to their normal dancing level. In my current class, everyone else appears to be completely new to this game, which leaves me in the odd position of feeling like the knowledgeable one.

Most of the girls were in yoga/street clothes (leggings, socks, whatnot), but a couple were in leotards and tights, and one had on basically the same gear I had (leotard, tights, ballet shoes, chiffon dance skirt), but hers were all very clean and nice, whereas mine are dirty and used. I tell you, you have not faced a determined stain until you try to get dirt out of pink ballet tights. If anyone manages this miracle, do let me know how you did it. Upon seeing the cleanliness of her clothes and shoes, I thought, "Aww, she's a little one!" Not in a disparaging sense, just a fond feeling of how I first started taking ballet when my clothes and shoes were all neat and clean.

I've got the hunger in me again for more classes, more classes, MORE CLASSES, but it's just as well that I've limited myself to two per week. Aside from being moderately expensive, I don't want to burn myself out, and I am known to do this.

I'll tell you, though, it's wonderful to be back at a barre, wooden floor and mirrors. The live piano music is a nice touch, too.

I practiced a bit of cello last night as well after we'd gotten home, and my tone was surprisingly good. I learned some new notes, mostly F and C sharps, and had a lovely time of it. The ballet had worked out my back knots, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if that contributed to my excellent tone. Wouldn't that be splendid if my current two passions ended up creating a sort of positive feedback loop? Yes, yes it would.

I am so classical lately. And loving it.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Who are you, really?

Entire shadow worlds
Born from memories
And half-forgotten songs
Dreams of shattered glass
Cracks shivering down mirrors
Nineteen girls staring back
Where before only one stood
Romance with someone you've never met
Love stories of spun sugar
Castles built in sparkling colors
Wake and they fall to pieces
But while you sleep, their banners fly
And once again you're a princess
Magic enfolds you, and everything is possible
You have the strength of a storm
The wrath of a wind-boiled sea
A sun-bathed field of roses blooms
Under your chosen benevolence
You are Goddess here
In this place beyond the stars
The world turns on your whim
And the birds sing as you pass
Dream-girl, don't forget when you wake
You are the heroine of your own story
The heart within you still beats
With the ferocity of a hurricane
You are what you create, your will come to life
Don't listen to the whispers in the dark
The things you tell yourself at 2am
You remain the queen of your tale
The strength and power you remember
They have not abandoned you
Dare to look for them in your waking hours
They may find you
Before you find them
And then you are once again unstoppable
Turning the world into your vision
Your creation, your halcyon daydream
All you have to do
Is remember

Friday, January 16, 2015

The universe is made of ugly coats. Apparently.

We don't own a television, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy a show from time to time. Currently my love is the BBC's Sherlock. I loved Dr. Who while Matt Smith was the Doctor, with Amy Pond and Rory Whatever (I can never remember his character's last name) as his sidekicks, but I just can't get into the new Doctor. Sorry, John.

Anyway, that being said, I also love Sherlock's coat. Behold the divine British magnificence:

The very portrait of a preternaturally intelligent consulting detective.
I love it. Particularly the collar. And it's a dark grey instead of a black, despite how that first picture makes it look. Additional helpful images:

See? Kind of a charcoal tweedy color.
Further not-quite-black-ness.
I was trying to find a female version of the coat, so I wandered the interwebs last night searching in vain for said coat.

I have never seen so many hideous coats in my life. NEVER. Hundreds of them. Please observe just a few:

What the hell is this?
I am the black blob. SERVE ME, MORTAL.
That...isn't even a coat.
Then you get the snarky stuff, which can be rather amusing:

Will you sell the buttons separately?
Yes, we can. 1 small, 1 large. Cost: £750; includes a free coat.

Mind you, all of these turned up with a Google search for "women gray tweed coat sherlock." I think Google is on drugs. I did find a couple promising bespoke coat sites, but their items are rather expensive. This one is quite close, and this one is basically an exact replica, minus some of the inside tags for legal reasons, and who cares about those anyway?

Then I finally saw this today:

Someone's impression of a female Sherlock Holmes outfit. The pink phone pertains to a certain female character.
....that coat? I already own that coat. That is a black wool Reiss coat from several years ago. It is hanging next to my desk as I type this.

Because of course it is.

Edit: I take it back. I don't own that EXACT coat. I just checked. Mine is a slightly different version with the lapels not cut into two parts. It is now sold out, but here is a picture:

Next time Reiss has that double-cut lapel business going on with a fit-and-flare coat, I am all over that.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I felt like I ought to post something.

Despite feeling like I don't have much to say.

I've been so tired lately. All I want to do when I get home is get into bed and read until I fall asleep. I don't feel creative, energetic, entertaining, any of those things. And yet I have crap to do all weekend. I have no day without something to do involving other people, despite (or perhaps because of) it being a three-day weekend.

I'm wearing this bracelet today:

It was designed by Tom Binns for Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the one with Johnny Depp). It's got all sorts of weird stuff on it, including a bunch of red Swarovski crystals (some in hearts, some in small squares), a strangely large amount of safety pins, and enough red resin hearts to choke a donkey.

It is so weird. I love it.

Took me forever to find it, as the movie came out ages ago. I finally found it for less than half the original price.

Here's a slightly enlarged picture:

The only down side to this creation is that the safety pins occasionally pop open. They don't come loose or anything, but you will suddenly notice that your adornment has become a bit pointy and sharp. Well, that and it's rather hard to get on trying to do up the clasp one-handed.

I'd originally wanted to buy this other one:

It is a crazy charm bracelet with chains, charms, suede or something, and probably a bunch of other crap that I can't make out. It was too expensive when it came out, and then the blasted thing sold out almost immediately. I've never seen it available anywhere after the initial run was snapped up. I didn't know about the red heart one at that point, though, so I've appropriately transferred my affections to my current accessory.

I suppose if I cared enough I could try to mimic that black-and-chain one, but the truth is that I really don't, and I am totally fine with never owning it. C'est la vie.

Annoying thing? I discovered, after having created an entire profile on Caudalie's French website (they are a high-end makeup company), that they don't ship to the US. They ship to exactly two countries: France and Monaco. This seems...shortsighted at best. Other middlemen exist who will ship to the US, including a shop in London. I don't know if this has to do with import tariffs or what, but I found it quite irritating. The price of Caudalie products is so much less in euros compared to dollars that I would've gotten a lovely deal [this is due to two factors: 1) the items are made in France, so of course they're cheaper there, and 2) the dollar has been steadily gaining lately while the euro is dropping]. The products were also cheaper in pounds than in dollars. This has proven true before with Lush products.

Do observe:

To anyone confused, this shows the dollar steadily gaining on the value of the euro. $1 would've gotten you .79 euros before mid-December, and now will get you slightly over .85 euros. Essentially you get more for your dollar than before.

On the up side, I could easily navigate the French site, thanks to the past instruction of my fantastic deuxième maman. I felt very cosmopolitan. Très chic. I eventually found the items I wanted for a decent price on eBay as well, so I will be all set with pretentiously overpriced beauty products as soon as they arrive.

The impetus for this purchase was the extreme dryness of my skin. It is so dry that I sometimes can't work my phone. There is an insufficient volume of body moisture on my skin to conduct the electricity needed for the phone to realize it is being touched. The phone will also just slide right out of my hand after about a 5% incline to the floor. For reference, Patrick's phone will stay in his hand up to what appears to be roughly an 80-85% grade, nearly perpendicular to the floor, and he is not soggy. He is normal.

My hands will also become so dry that the skin appears stretched over my bones, and this leads to cracking, roughness, and so forth. I've found a few products that seem to at least temporarily help with this, among them the crème sorbet that Caudalie makes, so that's why I ordered their stuff. I also got a couple lip balms from them, as they make a very good one. My lips have the same dryness problem as my hands, and they tend to peel almost constantly in the dryer months of the year. It's less than attractive, I assure you.

The volume of tea I've consumed today is probably better measured in liters than in cups. I think I'm up to a liter and a half or so. The mug I use for this purpose is fairly gigantic, and I drink said tea pretty constantly throughout the day, unless I have work for which I must be absent from my desk.

Ballet begins next week, and I have dropped at least a little of the Eat Everything In Sight Because It's Made Of Gingerbread And/Or Pumpkin weight. Bloody baked goods. I'm hoping to chuck the rest of the holiday poundage over the next few weeks. Ballet will help.

Now if only I could grab some creativity...