Three cheers for modern pharmaceuticals

As they have in the past, my mental issues come in waves, both the good and the bad. I'd noticed that the creative feelings were starting to ramp up again a few days ago, and last night was full of a really impressive batch of nightmares.

Fortunately the pills that I take make it so that the nightmares don't incapacitate me the following day. They begin to fall to pieces when I wake up, and that process continues as the morning wears on, so I don't have the entire horrid dream sequence lingering in my head. Instead I just have flashes of what happened, like half-remembered memories of events you lived through but would rather forget.

They never feel like dreams. They feel like an alternate life. They are so real and immediate that I truly do feel like I have an entire second lifetime that begins every night when I fall asleep.

Flashes remaining from this one:

• Some sort of awful disease ravaging the world, trying to hide from it all and watching the coverage on the news while entire cities went mad and began killing randomly
• Trying to hide my cats from something I knew was hunting us all
• Running up and down the halls of an apartment building in blackout, looking for the right door and feeling the thing chasing me gaining with every footstep
• A roomful of girls smeared with blood from the tortures their captors were inflicting upon them with shiny, sharp instruments hung on the wall
• Trying to fight back and screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but none ever came

I woke up several times during the night, my hair soaked with sweat. Every time I went back to sleep I fell back into the same dream, as happens now and then, and it just picked up right where it left off. After I woke up for good with the alarm, I felt panicky and lightheaded. Finally, after getting dressed, I ended up lying down on the bed and trying to calm my breathing and heartbeat.

It's better now, and I'm still aware of how much worse it would be if I wasn't taking something to make the dreams break into jagged shards like a smashed mirror. I can feel the shadow of dream memories like an echo instead of the scream they would otherwise be. Before the medication, I would have had a horrible time making myself leave the house after a nightmare of this magnitude. So far as I'm concerned, all that bad stuff did happen to me. It was as vivid as anything in the waking world. As Dumbledore once said to Harry Potter, "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

These are real, and they are poisonous. The pills provide a mitigating antidote of sorts, and I am glad I have them.

Hearts and haunted forests and top hats, oh my!

Everyone should have at least one room in their house full of haunted forest. Some of you have probably already seen this thing on my Pinterest, but eh. It's cool enough to be worth posting here as well. The designers live and work in Denmark, and it would be amazing to have this thing actually get into production. Or maybe I can figure out how to make one myself...

The creative fire is slowly beginning to smoulder again, and I have an idea for a Victorian wrist cuff based upon this general theme:

I'd want some black and white striped ribbons or possibly checkerboard here and there, plus a key and different lace. Also perhaps some grey in the mix, either as lace or as underlying satin fabric. I like the idea of the stitched heart, so I'll try to incorporate that into it. I'll see about taking a trip to the fabric and craft stores this weekend, perhaps.

I also like this:

and this:

...but I don't think I could actually make either one of them. I know nothing about hat-making. I suspect it would be sort of a disaster.

My sister is visiting this Saturday, so we'll be going to Uwajimaya (you can never have enough Japanese dishes and paper lanterns) and Gargoyles in the U District, along with probably Lush and whatever else we decide to do. Sushi will be eaten, I hope.

Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

I was going to come up with something interesting for this post.

Really I was. And then I realized that the only interesting thing that's happened to me recently was waking up this morning at 6:30 to the vibrations of Gurgles crawling around in the box spring. I banged around a bit and hissed, "Get out, you stupid cat!", but not a lot came of this, so I got off the bed and peered blearily underneath it to find the elusive glob of cat and jab him with my fingers until he moved himself toward the exit rip.

Our box spring has what most have, I'd imagine, which is this really crappy layer of "fabric" covering the bottom of it. This garbage has the thickness and enduring power of 1-ply grocery store brand nasal tissue, and the cats know it. At some point in the distant past, one of them ripped a hole in it and used said hole to get up inside the box spring. It's now a favorite hiding place whenever someone comes over and brings a dog.

They aren't usually in it while the bed is occupied, but Gurgles apparently felt that he needed to explore that cherished lair early this morning. I was displeased. After giving up on ever getting him out of there before he was ready, I got back in bed and bounced around a bit in the hope of jarring him into leaving. Then I lay back down and grumbled irritably to myself for a while, wishing I'd get sleepy again.

As I was lying there, I heard a voice call my name. It sounded muffled, since I had earplugs in, but I heard it clear as day. Fortunately this has happened to me before, so I wasn't alarmed in the slightest. I just thought to myself oh, it's more of that crap, and told my brain to shut up and quit yelling. You know you've gotten used to The Crazy when you hear voices and just shrug irritably and ignore them instead of getting freaked out.

Sometimes it can be very noisy in my head. Now and then when falling asleep I'll hear the sound of doors slamming (which is how I think of it; basically it's a huge bang), and it's loud enough that it makes you start with surprise. This is apparently called Exploding Head Syndrome, which sounds like a really melodramatic name for something that is only moderately irksome.

This is not the same thing as Brain Shivers, which I still get occasionally (thanks, Effexor). Fortunately those have mostly vanished, except for every now and then when I'll get two or three in a row. I don't have the strangeness where sounds get louder and softer anymore, and I'm glad of it. That was obnoxious.

The weird shit you learn to deal with in this life, I tell ya!

P.S. I had another one of those short-term splitting headaches on the left side again yesterday while just sitting in traffic. If I get a bloody eye in a few days, I will go see the doctor again.

I love bathrooms.

Not all of them, since some are gross, but most of them. I always feel safe in bathrooms, which is strange considering some cultures *cough* Japan *cough* have entire horror genres built around the concept of a toilet. 

You can go in and lock the door behind you. No one can get you or stare at you. If they try to drag you out, you have a great position from which to fight off any invaders. A few stomps on offending limbs and they will probably go away.

If not, stomp harder. 

Some bathroom stalls are extra good and have complete walls from floor to ceiling, including the door. The single toilet bathrooms obviously also accomplish the same thing. Both of those are the best, but I'll take what I can get. 

Bathrooms are where I can take a few deep breaths, examine how I look, relax for a few seconds, take my time, silently scream my face off if I need to, whatever. 

Even when I have to be back in a certain amount of time, locking that door behind me always makes me feel like I'm in my own personal mini-fort. Like, I choose to exit my fort on time. You do not make Bathroom Queen do anything she does not want to do!

I am one of those people who needs a lair, a retreat, a hermitage. I find interactions with others, even pleasant ones, exhausting. 

I was reflecting today on how the few times I've regretted not having more friends and being more social in school were really just what I thought I should have had, not what I really wanted. I've always been happier just having a few friends. 

And I'm not a failure. Or a disappointment. I'm a little different, but big deal. Differences are what make us interesting. I didn't follow the Prescribed Route to one husband only, with 2.5 kids and a stupid fence. I'd imagine that disappointed some people. And that's too bad. 

I'm not a girl who likes reality tv and discussing babies. I've no truck with those who do. But it ain't my bag, if you can but dig it. <- 10 points to anyone who knows where that reference comes from. Points redeemable never, except for personal satisfaction. 

I'm a girl who likes bathrooms and corsets. I like black and white stripes. I like reds, blues, and greens. I don't care for tights. I won't tell you why. <- 20 pts for that one. 

I like my stuffed Shamu bought for me almost 31 years ago by my late maternal grandfather. I sleep with him every night, even now. Patrick, Shamu and myself, along with our three furballs, pile onto the bed every night to sleep together.

Mayhap we need a bigger bed.

I like jewelry. I like tea. I like manners in myself and others. I like dreaming in the dark without fear. I like being married. 

I never thought I'd say that, but it is true. 

I like swishy skirts and flattering tops. I like leather boots that hug my legs and feet, making me feel strong. I like my jade bracelet that makes me feel pretty and magical. 

I like my cape. I like clothing with flair. Because really, we may as well enjoy ourselves sartorially. Why deny yourself all the outrageously fun pieces you've always wanted to try on but decided were too juvenile or too whorish, too risqué or too dorky? 

You know you've always wanted to dress up like a burlesque dancer attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. ADMIT IT. 

Okay, maybe that one was just me. 

Now I've gone and forgotten what I even titled this post. Oh well. 

What are some things y'all like but haven't tried for whatever reason? 

For today's Beautiful Friday I am going to show you pictures of my clothes!

Sadly not actually on me, as I don't have pictures of them yet. One hasn't arrived and I've been too busy.

Skirt supposedly arriving by Saturday

Wore this shirt yesterday with my white skirt and black fishnets

You already saw a picture, albeit of poor quality, of the other stuff (the black and white glorified waist cincher with the laced up black tank top and the cape). I also have a plain black satin waist cincher that I got at the same shop in Tacoma, but I haven't worn it yet. I know I'm only offering two pictures, neither of which actually involve me, but I tried! I hope the skirt looks as good as I think it will. I wanted an unadorned black skirt to wear with my assortment of corsets and whatnot. I can't wear a corset of any type with that plaid skirt I have as the various hooks and D-rings would get jammed into my skin. No thank you.

I'm hoping these Silk pictures will turn out more clearly than the one I posted through the Blogger app

Because that thing does not deliver very good images. These are all created by use of the Silk app I got the other day. I've been playing with the settings, so you get different patterns based on the degree of rotational symmetry you use, whether the image is mirrored across the center line or if it spirals toward the center. Let's try again:

I've decided that I like the odd numbers of rotational symmetry best (goes from nothing to 2-6, so 3 and 5) for some reason. They're the most visually pleasing to me. But I'm having a lot of fun playing with this app. I'm learning what parameters to change in order to get the patterns I want. Especially when using orange, it looks a lot like you're painting with fire. Fun!

Zis iz AAAARRRGHT!

Most of these are photos I took, and one is a design I made using a new iPhone app called Silk.