I didn't know.
So now I wonder what to do. If I continue as I am, mostly fine but with occasional bad episodes, the bad episodes now will be...worse? If I can't do anything about the pain (because I'd be a manipulative asshole), then what? I just have to clench my teeth and wait for it to pass?
What happens if I don't feel like I have an outlet for my pain? That I can't do anything at all to ameliorate it? I hate the actions of people who are (apparently) like me. Those who manipulate others by their emotional reactions. I didn't know I was doing it.
But what happens now that I know? I will try never to do that again, but what does that mean? I can't even talk about it or it will be manipulative in some way. Like this blog post. I guess this one is asking for advice. What happens? What should I do? Keep it all to myself and try to let nothing out?
I thought of asking my psych on Friday to give me something that would allow my brain to keep functioning as far as normal conversation and work duties went, but would basically obliterate my personality, thus rendering these episodes meaningless to me. If I don't notice them, I won't say anything or do anything about them. The only thing I can think of that will do that reliably is lithium. It will give me that greyness and unshakeable poise that will keep me from upsetting others with my actions that I did not realize until now were extremely selfish and manipulative.
So I am sorry, everyone, for all the self-harm and emotionally charged outbursts in the past. It was not my intent to manipulate anyone, least of all those I care about.
I'm NOT going to kill myself. NOT. Neither am I going to engage in further self-harm. (This latest episode resulted in some.) I am going to try to fix it so that no one ever has to deal with it again, including me. It will probably get rid of the artistic side as well, but that's okay. It's a small price to pay for ridding myself of hateful behavior, despite being unconscious of it.
Again: I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I never meant to manipulate anyone. I just thought I was reacting to emotional pain. I hope you all are okay and can forgive me.