Sunday, December 21, 2014

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Collage of nature photographs I've taken

Thanks to my dear friend Kacey, I have discovered the fun of a collage app. Behold the results:

Friday, December 19, 2014

Can't remember if I ever posted this.

I took this picture lying on a pew in St. Mark's Cathedral while Patrick was recording something or other in there. I was trying to capture the feeling of revulsion and anger mixed with fear that overcomes those of us with anxiety problems, especially when faced with something horrible, such as when I was held down while an asshole tried to yank my shirt up and no one helped me.

The title is Don't Touch Me:

Ahhh, the traditional festive sickness (and some music stuff)

Do I have a cold? Of course I do. What're the holidays unless you're coughing up phlegm?

Festively. Festively hacking.

Today, despite the sore throat, coughing, congestion (woke myself up snoring twice last night, and I never snore unless sick) and general malaise, I find myself in a remarkably good mood. Why? No clue.

I'm sucking down throat lozenges like there's no tomorrow, and they do help a lot. I'm planning on spending most of this weekend in bed. Asleep if possible. Reading if not. I'd like to do some drawing and work on my cello as well.

I was having a massage yesterday (thankfully, as she was able to get out some painful knots that had been bothering me) and heard music on her playlist that involved clarinet as the main instrument. It was surprisingly good. I don't remember why exactly I wanted to play the clarinet when I was little. For some reason I was dead set on being in band instead of orchestra. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. I was eight. It could have been anything. I chose to play organ because of the brightly colored switches, and if that isn't an illogical reason for selecting an instrument to learn, I don't know what is.

Anyway, one of my later lamentations regarding the clarinet was how it didn't strike me as being particularly suitable as a solo instrument. You know how you can listen to people play the guitar or the piano or a string instrument (violin, viola, etc) by itself and it sounds lovely? It would sound kind of weird if someone was just playing an oboe or a clarinet by themselves with no other instruments. I've always thought a cornet would sound rather stupid as a solo instrument, too. Along with a few others.

But perhaps I was wrong and I just haven't encountered the right sort of music that would make for decent solo clarinet sounds? I hate that really high classical crap. I don't enjoy very high notes on really any instrument (including voice), as I don't think they sound very good, and they kind of hurt my ears. The lower register of the clarinet is much nicer to listen to, and I think I will find what I'm looking for in that range. Patrick tells me there is a type of music called klezmer (it's Jewish) that tends to feature a lot of melodious clarinet. Maybe I'll look at a bit of that and see what I think.

It would also be fun to get a copy of the clarinet part for Mussorgsky's Night on Bald Mountain and play along. I love that piece so much. We'll see what I can find.

Enjoy your weekend, everybody!

Thursday, December 18, 2014

My friend Rachel's Christmas tree

I created this a couple weeks ago, but could not post it as it was a present for my dear friend Rachel, whom I have known since (technically) a single day in junior high school, followed by three years of high school together. Love you, Rachel! <3

Anyway, Lady R opened her gift yesterday, so I am now able to show you what it looks like. I'd tried adding a few new elements, and I really should've known better, since I got to enjoy extra anxiety based on whether she would like the new stuff or not. Save new things for personal pieces, me. Then you can test them out on an audience before giving them as gifts.

I've got another tree in progress, but I'm not going to bother posting it until it's eventually done, whenever that is.

Without further ado, the latest finished tree:

The focus sucks, I know. Sorry about that. I was in a hurry. It obviously is not fuzzy in person.
The stained glass limb was new for me, and I think I like how it turned out. Adding the little crooked bits has been done before, but not on an actual tree. Same with the stitched hearts. I shall venture onto new experimental ground as I continue in my sketchbook.

I'm trying to branch out. HAR.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I was trying to write a post last night, but then the Blogger app on my phone ate it.

I was so pissed afterward that I just didn't bother rewriting it.

Does anyone besides me gain 5 lbs in the winter? Or is this just something that happens to me? It seems to be exactly 5 lbs, and while I realize this is not that much (or that big a deal, really), I take it as a personal insult. It's like my body is conspiring against me. In the spring and summer I crave greens, fresh vegetables and so forth, but in fall and winter I start really wanting chewy stuff like breads, sweets (I don't normally like sweets that much) like gingerbread and various cookies (ginger, MMMM!).

Why do you do this, body? Is this some sort of natural thing? Are we trying to put on fat for hibernation? So we don't starve to death or freeze? Why can't we just keep on with the greens and such? At least my love for tea remains unabated, so I can quaff a ton of that during the day and thus avoid hunger pangs. I'm sort of terrified to ever go back to eating during the day. I'm convinced that I'll end up suddenly packing on pounds and turning into some sort of Potato Girl. Maybe it's only the not eating during the day thing that's keeping me from gaining even more than 5 lbs...

Also I need to quit drinking lattes and eating such delicious items as pumpkin muffins and pumpkin bread. I have basically stopped doing that, with the exception of the occasional Monkey Mocha from this little barista shack down the road from our house. It's quite tasty, really. Chocolate, peanut butter, banana. Not enough of any of them to make you ill, just enough to flavor it nicely.

Ballet begins in mid-January for me, and I am looking forward to it! I'm taking two classes per week instead of one. I was going to take three, but then it dawned on me that it would be nice to have one class per week that I could use for makeups in case I had to miss any of my regular classes. Cheaper, too.

...and now back to this because I have problems:

I refuse to be a fat ballerina. QUIT BEING 5 LBS HEAVIER, BODY. My clothes don't fit as perfectly as they did, and it is annoying the everliving crap out of me. Plus my stomach feels weird. Maybe it's because they had to cut muscles in a few places to get at my appendix? I'm hoping those will fix themselves soon. Not a fan of this looseness.

Patrick says I'm obsessed with my weight and have an eating disorder, and he's right. I once went without eating for a week in my freshman year of college because I felt fat (with no discernible ill effects). But oh well. At least that isn't as destructive as my other problems. My particular eating disorder issue means that I hate myself every time I eat and feel the urge to go throw up or self-harm as punishment for being weak and succumbing to the desire to eat. I try not to do either of those. It's easier to just not eat (hence my current don't eat during the day thing), but since it's winter I'm wanting food with higher caloric content after work than the salads I usually have for dinner in the spring and summertime, so the whole thing isn't quite as effective as that to which I have become accustomed.

I realize this is totally a first world problem, and I should shut up about it and just be thankful that I have food to eat and don't have to go hungry if I don't want to like a lot of the people in this world. And I AM glad of that. It is a luxury. But with mental issues, the whole point is that they don't play by normal rules. Believe me, if I could get rid of the intense self-hatred every time I eat, I would.

...or would I? I'm so paranoid about weight at this point that maybe I wouldn't wish that gone, for fear that I'd start eating way too much (3 meals a DAY?!), and get monstrously fat. My body loves packing on pounds. LOVES it. Left to its own devices I'd turn into the Venus of Willendorf.

For reference: said Venus of Willendorf
And, frankly, fertility goddesshood notwithstanding, I'd rather this didn't happen.

Sorry, Venus. Nothing personal.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Birthday Massacre

The band in this post's title dropped their latest album, Superstition, on November 11. I just now got around to buying it, and I love it. I would not know about this group if it hadn't been for Rei generously sharing her music with the world via her blog. I wouldn't know about Emilie Autumn, either, along with Angelzoom and Blue Birds Refuse To Fly, among others.

You would've liked this album, Rei girl.

I miss you, and I won't forget you.

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

I'm absolutely NOT in the holiday spirit.

Might not even bother with a tree. Or any other decorations. I'm just sick of the whole thing. I want this to be over and done with.

Today was incredibly windy. Hopefully there aren't any other giant branches lying near our cars courtesy of said wind.

I wish humans were a hibernating species.